Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:18 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 113 words, total size 1 kb.

I'm tired, I don't have the energy to be truly original, so here is my plagiarized post of the day, after all GMTA, and I do provide a link to what I think is the best solution at the end.

The class-warfare elitists such as Barack "don't call me Hussein" Obama say:

"The rich don't pay their fair share"

OH, Really ? According to the Tax Foundation, in 2005 the top 1% of wage-earners in this country payed nearly 40% of the burden (an 11% INCREASE, BTW, over 1999, when WHO was President? Oh that's right...Bill Clinton).

Not fair?!?

'Well', you may be saying, 'that's because they have ALL the wealth!' Wrong again.

The top 1% of earners account for just 21% of the total adjusted gross income. Hmm. Come to think of it...you're RIGHT! That really isn't fair. They're paying DOUBLE what they should be.

By the way, the top 10% of earners pay 70% of the load. When you get all the way down to the top 50% of earners, they account for 96.4% of the entire tax burden. The next 10% pays 3.6%. And the bottom 40% of wage earners...pay NOTHING. That's right, nothing. In fact, they pay nothing, and then often get a "refund" (in reality it's a handout) at years end.

The Leftist politicians continue the pandering to the electorate by saying:

"The working class carries the full load in this country, while the rich just keep getting richer, and paying LESS"

The facts prove that this is more than just incorrect, it's plain out-and-out LYING... in fact it's an argument straight out of the "Communist Manifesto" by our friend, Karl Marx (no, not Groucho Marx, the comedian...this is the OTHER Marx brother) Simply substitute the words "working class" for proletariat and "rich" for bourgeoisie, and voila! Class warfare, Marxist style. Besides, do you know ANY rich people who don't work hard? Only 2% of this country's rich inherited their money, like the Kennedy's...the rest, earned it.

'Well', you say, 'How about those 50 hedge fund managers Barack Obama talks about all the time who made $29 billion, but actually paid less in taxes than their $60,000 a year SECRETARIES!'

The "50 Hedge Fund managers' who made a combined $29 billion in profit is one of my favorite Barack Obama campaign stories pandering lies. It's true, of course. At least the part about how much money they made. (Legally, by the way) But to say that a billionaire pays less in taxes than his secretary is preposterous at best. It's impossible. I would need to see their 1040 form to even begin to believe it. Even IF they would pay a smaller percentage than their secretary did, their accountant needs to be made President of the United States of America, immediately. No campaign, no election. Just based on amazing skills, he would be the best-qualified person to direct our economy EVAH !

It's also interesting to note that one of those Hedge Fund managers, of whom Obama speaks, but never names, is....George Soros. $2.9 Billion last year. Keep those Moveon.org ads coming, Georgie! (being the big-hearted, big government guy he is, it's surprising he hasn't voluntarily written out huge extra checks to the Federal Government to make up any discrepancy).

Another oft heard bleat from the Leftist Politico is:

"I'm sick and tired of all the corporate welfare in this country"

For a case in point, I refer you to all the recent attacks (mainly) from the Left on the "evil oil companies"...who, from 1977-2004 made over $643 billion in profits.
But, during that same time span, their disgusting "corporate welfare" situation allowed them to pay a paltry $1.343 TRILLION in state and federal taxes. What a free ride! Is it just me or am I the only one who sees a little disconnect from reality there?

My big point here is that the present tax system is tailor-made to make it all too easy to allow pandering to the economically illiterate electorate by demagogic/populist politicos.

What we need is a new way of taxation that is unquestionably even-handed in it's application to all and still provides the amount of funds needed to run a reasonable modern government OF and BY the People.

Such a plan DOES exist. This plan takes the tax code out of the manipulating hands of the special interest groups and the politicians they have bought. This plan ensures that you have the greatest amount of control over the amount of taxes you pay in your own hands, and in a manner that you don't need an accounting degree to do so.

ENACT THE FAIR TAX

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:23 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 778 words, total size 5 kb.

Yeah I KNOW its not PC to make jokes about any minorities, but C'MOOOON, it's not like any blonds will get them and be offended anyway....and LORD knows, I've heard ALL the Dutch jokes I care to.
________________________________________________________________

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Debbie, were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it in.
Debbie, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing
those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.'
Debbie got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

********************************************************************

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter.'

**********************************************************************


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor, 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?'
'No, Silly, 'the blonde said, 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in
the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to
get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

**************************************************************************************

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and
all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a
little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and
asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop
out. The room mate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, helloooo!!! You need to roll
up the windows first !!!!'

*****************************************************************************************


A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to
ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!' So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What' s that ?' he asked.
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,'
she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... 'Two Popsicles and some coffee.'

*****************************************************************************


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I
got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry
for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I
have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office,
and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the
blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 761 words, total size 5 kb.

If you drive along country roads, you might catch sight of a turtle balanced on top of a fence post, where it clearly didn't get on its own, where it doesn't belong, and where it has no idea what to do. You'll probably wonder what kind of jackasses put it up there. It is only a matter of time before it falls. Most likely you'll want to help the poor dumb thing down.
Remind you of anyone?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 81 words, total size 1 kb.

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'
The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'

The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

'See you tomorrow Sir.

(May the answer ever stay the same !!)

Thanks for the link Sis !

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 250 words, total size 1 kb.

The next time you hear some Leftist Moonbat howl about "U.S. Imperialism" or "North American Hegemony", think of our history and KNOW that you can ignore anything else that raving moonbat lunatic (but I repeat myself) has to say. Ronaldus Maximus iterated it best (as only he was so adept at doing):

“When World War II ended, the United States had the only undamaged industrial power in the world. Our military might was at its peak, and we alone had the ultimate weapon, the nuclear weapon, with the unquestioned ability to deliver it anywhere in the world. If we had sought world domination then, who could have opposed us? But the United States followed a different course, one unique in all the history of mankind. We used our power and wealth to rebuild the war-ravished economies of the world, including those of the nations who had been our enemies. May I say, there is absolutely no substance to charges that the United States is guilty of imperialism or attempts to impose its will on other countries, by use of force.” —Ronald Reagan

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 190 words, total size 1 kb.

On this day in 1790, the U.S. Coast Guard was created by Congress, which authorized Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton to build a small fleet of ten cutters to protect the coast. The Coast Guard continues to serve a critical role under the Department of Homeland Security I would like to speak for all my readers in offering our thanks for a job well done.

The Coast Guard is often the "forgotten service" when it comes to public attention and recognition, and that is something that should be brought to everyone's attention and rectified ASAP.

To all the brave men and women that serve with distinction and honor in the Forgotten Service:

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:08 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 120 words, total size 1 kb.

As usual, the New York Slimes are in the wrong on an important issue.

The way I look at it, the subject of the story got 1.5 MILLION (!??) in medical care that he did NOT have any right to expect in the first place.

My regular readers know that I have intimate knowledge with expensive medical care -- My OWN, and I don't have any national news rag bemoaning that my insurance doesn't nearly cover all the costs. I just try to get my medical providers to take what I can afford to pay monthly on what I owe until the debt is settled; they usually go along with this, knowing full well that, with my income level, I will be dead before I get anywhere near to retiring the debt, the important thing being that I'm trying to repay.

I don't feel any responsibility whatsoever towards people that are breaking our laws by the simple fact of just being here. It's a slap in the face to everyone that took the time,trouble, and in some cases, the money, to come here legally.
We don't help in their health care any more than we do for any other citizen, so why ARE WE SO BLOODY DETERMINED TO GIVE THE STORE AWAY TO THOSE THAT COME HERE ILLEGALLY?
Sorry to yell, it just chaps my ass to even consider this subject...and to be talked down to by my "betters" at the NYS about it is just the frosting on the shit cake.

NO ONE is turned away in our hospitals when they need critical care; they may be saddled with a large debt load the rest of their lives, but even there, the key is merely showing a willingness to do what you reasonably can to repay.

I find it infuriating that medical costs are so high due in large part to (usually well meaning) governmental interference in medical care, and the insurance industry; meanwhile HOSPITALS are forced by economics to do what the government SHOULD be doing, ie; deporting illegals.

The health care system in their home country sucks? How is that OUR problem?!? Sometimes, it just sucks to be a furriner IMHO (one reason why I became a LEGAL citizen of the U.S.).

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 09:03 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 381 words, total size 2 kb.

A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor and bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government.
Thomas Jefferson

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:27 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 51 words, total size 1 kb.

Well, with whats happening in the halls of Congress today, it's obvious what the Demoncrat energy policy is:

AND it's obvious what tactics that they will employ to get their way:

MY stance ?

I'm glad to see that there are still some in the GOP that have the guts to stick up for their principles...just hope it's not too little,too late.

Folks, these politicians are playing with the future of our country; and I for one believe that our future shouldn't be viewed as a game, as the Dems seem to do. They are like spoiled brats that say "if you don't do what I want; I won't play". In reading the comments at Politico, I saw there were a number of ignorant people that still have nothing to contribute but "drilling now won't lower prices" (despite the FACT that Pres. Bush just ending the symbolic Presidential ban on offshore drilling has ALREADY lowered the cost of crude by $20. a barrel). they decry that "speculators" are the cost of high oil prices, and then deny that future production has any effect on those speculators actions...seems they all must have slept through Econ 101.

They also wail that Big Oil makes too much profit, and "something should be done to those greedy b*st*rds". Three points I'd like to make about that issue;

1) Oil companies by and large have one of the smallest profit margins of any industry. Just citing final (net) profits is almost meaningless; you have to know the cost to return ratio (profit margin) to really understand what it takes to get that gallon of gasoline to the consumer. if we go by stark net profit, there are many companies that are far worse offenders than Big Oil.

2) There is a player in this game that makes almost TWICE as much "profit" off of each gallon of gas than the Oil companies themselves make; this player castigates the oil companies for being "greedy" at the same time that it makes double that profit, while doing nothing to find, produce, refine, or distribute that oil. That player is CONGRESS **.

3) Some demagogues say that the oil companies have million of acres where they have oil leases where they aren't drilling, and they should drill there before trying for the offshore/Anwar deposits. Guess what, it's TRUE that the companies DO have many millions of acres where they do have a legal right to drill and they aren't drilling...because they have determined that there is no oil to drill for on that land. Congress seems to think that all you have to do is drill a hole and you get oil every time, usually you have to drill five or six holes to get ONE producing well, and the rate of production from even the wet holes may not offset the costs of drilling. Companies obtain oil rights on vast areas of land just to try to explore where oil may be found; just because they have the right to produce on any given piece of land doesn't mean that they CAN produce any oil on that land, no matter what political demagogues try to say.

4) The Left is saying we need to use "alternative energy sources" rather than oil....and they are correct in that we do need to find newer resources, after all, oil IS a finite commodity. But I'd like to ask them, just WHAT those resources should be...they cringe at the thought of building new Nuclear plants...heaven forfend we should use coal, even though we have invented methods to clean the exhaust of the plants...they say WIND and SOLAR is the way to go...yeah, okay...what happens when the winds don't blow hard enough, or its too cloudy to get the best capture of solar power (disregarding the FACT that the best solar efficiency we have to date is a mere 12-18%!, hardly good use in large industrial settings.) And WHO is doing the research on those alternative energy sources? MOST of it is funded by Big Oil. And what do they use to provide that funding? The PROFIT they make from oil production.

Enough of ranting for now, I know I won't change any already closed minds anyway, but it sure is frustrating to see so many such morons in positions of power that affect every aspect of our future. I sure hope that G-d does, indeed, Bless America, we sure don't help ourselves too much.

**A barrel of crude oil contains 42 gallons and currently costs (at time of publishing) about $130. That means the raw material costs $3.10 a gallon. For finding the oil, getting it out of the ground, transporting it to a refinery, turning it into gasoline, and distributing that gasoline, ExxonMobil cleared about 58 cents per gallon in 2007, based on figures in its annual report. Of that 58 cents, Exxon paid about 25 cents in federal income tax. The feds also collected 18.4 cents of excise tax per gallon. Meanwhile, the state (Michigan, for example) collects 19.875 cents per gallon of "excise and environmental" taxes, along with 24 cents of sales tax (at $4 per gallon). So, ExxonMobil nets 33 cents per gallon, while our federal and state governments take 87 cents per gallon.

So, who profits more from high oil prices? Big oil or big government?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:17 PM | Comments (62) | Add Comment
Post contains 915 words, total size 6 kb.

Pastor James David Manning has a message for White America: "stop walking on eggshells and knock that chip off some Black people's shoulders"

All I can say is a hearty AMEN !, now let the charges of Racism begin.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:32 PM | Comments (104) | Add Comment
Post contains 47 words, total size 1 kb.

Here is yet another example of Britain going down the totalitarian tube. I have no doubts that such an event either already has, or soon will, occur here in the U.S.

That is the nature of Socialism; our "Betters" will always be on the lookout for ways to "protect" us from our own bad habits. Every little nanny type group wants to use the force of law to enforce their own agenda.

Even though the initial regulations may seem well meaning and/or reasonable at the outset, it doesn't take long for the extremist elements to take them to heights never dreamed of at the time of inception.

"FEELINGS" are never a good basis for laws. But ask a Liberal about any subject and he'll tell you his FEELINGS on the matter. Ask a conservative the same question, and he'll tell you his THOUGHTS about the matter. No matter how the Left tries to conflate the two; FEELINGS and THOUGHTS are two entirely different things.

Disgusting that the sheeple just fall right in line because of inculcated, meaningless mantras such as "it's for the Children" or "We need to be fair" , when in actual fact that those matters usually have no bearing on the proposal being debated. But by invoking the mantra, they can intimidate the Right by saying "see? - you don't care about the kids/fairness/ insert accusation here", thus ending any meaningful debate on the merits of a proposal and sending it into the realm of having to put up a defense against the accusations. In other words, if the facts aren't on your side, bedazzle the opposition with bullshit and make it about the accusation/opponent rather than the proposal itself.

In the interests of full disclosure: I was a two/three pack a day smoker for over 32 years. The ONLY reason I quit was having a Cardiologist AND my Surgeon telling me that just one cigarette could possibly be fatal to me after my SECOND bypass/heart valve surgery (I was a slow learner). I had my last cigarette on August 16, 2006 at 0630. It has been difficult to stop from having that next puff, even now, two years later. Like an Alcoholic, you are NEVER an EX-smoker, just a recovering one, one day ( and it sometimes seems one hour) at a time. It would be a little easier if there weren't so many damned anti-smoking PSA's on TV.
/rant

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 408 words, total size 2 kb.

HMMM.....THIS KID must be Dutch! He escapes from his Daycare Center and heads to (where else?!?) HOOTERS. Five years old and already showing a predilection for the finer things in life. LMAO

Seriously though, had I a child in this Daycare, he/she wouldn't be there as of the minute I heard about this. As a parent I know how quickly the little ones can get into mischief, but the Center had a professional responsibility to ensure that such incidents couldn't occur.

I understand that no exit doors can be locked from the inside of any public building for fire safety reasons, but just how can a 5 yo push open a door that has the proper push bar mechanism installed, without being noticed by staff? I don't know about Texas, but here in Indiana, most such secondary exit doors are alarmed and make a blare of noise when opened. Nothing less than incompetent lack of foresight at work here.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 01:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 163 words, total size 1 kb.

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST
AP July 8, 2008

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers, and candidates for President of the United States.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly folks.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 89 words, total size 1 kb.

The late great Acidman used to say that there were three kinds of bloggers:Thinkers, Linkers, and Stinkers. He was a Thinker. I really miss the man, the blogworld lost one of the truly great ones when he passed. I just hope he was proved wrong about his views of there not being an afterlife and he's looking down on us with great amusement as we fumble our way through this thing called life.

Lately I've been more of a ([REALLY]Stinking) Linker than anything. Just don't have the energy to really get into a serious rant. Nothing seems to really catch my fancy enough to raise any ire other than the pure IDIOCY that is Barrack "Hopey McChange" Obama's campaign. Even there, the only thing that really gets to me is: how the F**K ANYBODY can take this candidate with any seriousness whatsoever.

NEVER have we had anyone LESS qualified to even think of RUNNING for POTUS, much less being the nominee for one of the two major Parties.
Can anyone supporting him please try to explain it to me?

Tell me WHY you support BHO; WHAT are his stands on the issues? He states that he will Change our way of life, but he never says HOW he will accomplish those changes and, indeed, just WHAT those changes will be . He says he represents a "New HOPE"...but just WHAT in his past achievements can he point to to demonstrate that he can deliver on such an ephemeral promise? Just ONE thing. Name ONE bill he has sponsored, or even just co-sponsored, that has helped anyone. Name one position that he hasn't changed with the varying necessities of campaign needs.

In my mind Barrack Obama is nothing less than the consummate Politician with every negative connotation of that title and none of the possible (though admittedly rare) positive ones. An empty suit of promises, coupled with a dangerous naivete of REAL world Politics equaling the most dangerous combination that (possibly will) ever sit in the Oval Office.

John McVain isn't that much better in some respects, except that he DOES have real world experience, even if he sometimes seems to act as if he doesn't care about what is real and goes with his Fweelings more that you'd think a person of such experience(s) would. But at least he is somewhat more realistic on what may or not may be accomplished.

What is one to do when presented with the choice of BAD and WORSE? Rewarding Bad with election only encourages more of the same; electing WORSE may just mean the end of our Republic as we know it. I know that sounds rather melodramatic, but I believe it to be a real danger. The attitude that "it can't happen here" leads directly to it ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

There was another historical would-be leader that promised Change and a New Hope for the Electorate; who promised cradle to grave Health Care provided by the State. He promised the best new Infrastructure in Europe. He promised a new sense of dignity for the Country. He promised new jobs for thousands of people. UNLIKE Hopey, he made SPECIFIC promises on EXACTLY what he would do, once he gained the reins of power.

He DID everything that he had promised to do, and more:

1)He created the first truly great system of roads ever seen since the Roman era.

2)He pulled an economy out of a 500+% inflation rate in less than five years.

3)He unified a defeated people into a single minded State that was effective in working towards it's goals, both Internally and in (at least initially) the International Arena.

Here is a picture of this paragon of Hope and Change:

Do we REALLY want to follow his example? Many people warned of the danger that he represented and were told "such things can't happen here; we're too civilized" History proved those people against him correct....it only took 5+ years of World War, with 52+ million people dead and the destruction of the social fabric of the world to provide that proof.

With current weapons technology, we can't experience such an event again and survive as a species.

ALLWAYS keep in mind, it CAN happen here; it requires constant vigilance to ensure that it DOESN'T. To think that it CAN'T is the first step towards sinking back into that evil morass yet again.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:05 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 735 words, total size 5 kb.

For those of you who understand computer language, you might appreciate this spoof on "Installing a Husband" that I received from my B-i-L . (The original author is unknown.) ENJOY!

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Best to you,
Tech Support

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 319 words, total size 2 kb.

“At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child - miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.” - P.J. O’Rourke

'NUFF SAID.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 42 words, total size 1 kb.

A little airline humor...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

*********************************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Thanks Catfish!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 221 words, total size 1 kb.

Another oldie but goodie:

7 X growth in size

An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until Mary stood up, angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) You have a dirty mind, (2) You didn't read your homework ; and (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:38 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 215 words, total size 1 kb.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 307 words, total size 2 kb.